“If other people just did what I wanted them to do all the time the world would be a much easier place”. Hands up if you’ve ever thought this is or something similar. It’s a common thing to think – that we would be a lot happier if others would only behave in the way we want them to. But, of course, in actuality wanting that just causes conflict. For example, let’s say you want to park your car in a particular place in the street and you want all the other neighbours to stop parking in your space! Now the other neighbours want you to stop parking your car where you park it because they don’t like it being parked there. Who wins? Who is right? To answer, neither wins and both are neither right nor wrong. You are all just expressing preferences for what you want to happen.

You can take this analogy into so many areas of your life. All too often people allow their happiness to depend on others doing or not doing something. “I’ll be happy when….” and of course, even when “when” does happen, there’ll then be another “I’ll be happy when….” to follow it. So people end up being constantly frustrated or disappointed because they’re placing all their happiness on events over which they may not actually have that much control.

To take this to an extreme, we sometimes think that we know best what is right for other people and so we try to impose our views and values upon them. Now when it comes to our children, at first we can know best when they need to eat, get up, get their homework done, go to bed etc. As they get older, however, we need to allow them to make more decisions for themselves – regardless of whether we actually agree with them or not. You see already where conflict can lay. There is this presumption that because we’re older than someone we will know better and that’s not always the case. Or let’s look at Hitler – some of his views were about creating the best race, survival of the fittest etc. In itself that’s not necessarily a bad idea in terms of wanting people to be the best they can be. However his actions went beyond what most would consider acceptable although he was doing what he thought was right and imposing those views upon others. Where do we draw the line between just wanting others to change to make us happy and realising we are being so unaccepting of others views and behaviour that we end up negatively controlling them.

Remember we resist others when we think they are trying to change our behaviour or dominate us, so it’s obvious that they will also do the same.

To take this a step further, sometimes the things we want to change about others are things that we actually notice about ourselves. By focusing upon them in others it’s easier to ignore them within us and so we feel better and more superior. We come back to comparing ourselves with others which is never a helpful thing to do. We’ll always find someone “better” or “worse” than us and we’ll end up getting our validation from putting others down.

The other thing about all this comparing stuff is that the more we focus upon those things that others do that we don’t like, we’re failing to see the things they do which we do like. What’s that phrase “If you look for the bad in a person you’ll see it. If you look for the good in a person – you’ll see it”.

Ghandi once said “Be the change you want to see”. This is a wonderful phrase and definitely worth thinking about. If you want your neighbours to be more accommodating about where you’d like to park you car, perhaps think about how you can be more accommodating back. The key message here is – let go of the need to change others to make yourself happier. Change your own beliefs, views, and values and the world will change with you. Focus upon the positive aspects and that’s what you’ll attract more of. And be careful about only semi doing this with the belief that if you look for the positive aspects they’ll change the way you want them to! Really appreciate the positive things about the person and/or situation. It is only through contrast that we can decide what we want from life, so appreciate that they’ve given you the opportunity to realise what you do want and grow from the experience. By genuinely appreciating someone and feeling good about it, you’re more in touch with who you really are (and who they really are) – and that is a loving, sharing, powerful, beautiful being. It is then that you will receive the intuitions and guidance you need to resolve a particular situation. You might find that actually you don’t need to park your car there after all, or you might have attracted a new result of finding somewhere even more convenient that won’t annoy your neighbours, and so on.

Notice where you’re wishing others would change their behaviour or where the world needs to change to make you happier. Think about things to appreciate about the situations you’re dealing with and really get in connection with your Self. Final note – don’t be hard on yourself where you notice you are trying to dominate others to your view. Just be aware of it. Let go of it. Then focus again on appreciation. Happy changing!