It's surprising how many persons go through life without ever recognizing that their feelings toward other people are largely determined by their feelings toward themselves, and if you're not comfortable within yourself, you can't be comfortable with others.
Sydney J Harris

Last night I was watching a programme about Amish teenagers having a visit to the UK. I found it absolutely fascinating. Just how different their lives are to those who live in a world where connection and interaction with others is a normal, everyday occurrence.

It was interesting to see just how accepting they were of each other within their community. There appeared to be no petty jealousies or in-fighting. No violence. Just an acceptance of a peaceful way of life, where everyone is part of a sharing community. Now I’m not saying that, for me, the Amish way of life is perfect as there were a few things and beliefs they have which really jarred with me. However, what really struck me was their acceptance of each other. What was also interesting was how they responded to all the new things in the outside world which completely went against their set of values and beliefs. At first, they appeared to struggle with the idea that people would have children without being married. It was interesting to see them moving to a place of tolerance and acceptance in a relatively short space of time.

Tolerance and acceptance doesn’t necessarily mean you have to agree with what another person does, but that you accept them for who and where they are. It also doesn’t mean you have to endure particular behaviours that you find uncomfortable.

Tolerance and acceptance can also mean you’re able to look past the exterior of the Ego Self and see the beauty of the Soul Self beneath. One of the young boys in the community made quite a poignant statement which really struck me “Just because someone is beautiful on the outside, it doesn’t mean they are on the inside. I look for the beauty beneath”.

In today’s society, it’s very easy to get caught up in the need to be "up-to-date" where clothing is concerned, and “classically good looking”, to focus purely on external image in order to be loved or attract others to us. There is so much pressure to look and dress in particular ways to be accepted. If only we could be more accepting of individual preferences for this kind of thing and, as the young Amish lad said “look for the beauty within”.

I think we’re all guilty at some point in our life of making some kind of judgement about others and the way they look and dress. It’s time we started to let go of this shallow way of valuing and judging others, and begin accepting them more for what’s inside, rather than how they look or dress.

Pay attention over the next few days and notice how often you hear yourself judging on how another person looks (whether in your head or out loud). If/when you find yourself doing it, don’t judge yourself “bad”, just let go of the thought and focus instead on looking for the beauty. Everyone is beautiful. Everyone is perfect. We just have to train ourselves to see it clearly.

Truth resides in every human heart, and one has to search for it there, and to be guided by truth as one sees it. But no one has a right to coerce others to act according to his own view of truth."

Edmund Burke

Do you always tell the truth? By this I mean do you always speak and act from your authentic self? Some people will answer this question with something like this: "yes I do as long as I don't think it is going to harm or upset someone". A bit like that proverbial wife to husband "do I look fat in this dress?" and the insecure husband is not sure how to reply. It can all depend really on what the wife is actually asking. Is she really asking whether the dress makes her look good and works well for her, or is she seeking validation about her looks? Or is she asking something completely different?! Oh, and this isn't just about women - men ask these kinds of questions too, I'm just using this as an example.

Speaking our truth is a choice we make and, with that choice, comes responsibility and a knowledge that not everyone will agree with us. Indeed, some people may well be angry and aggressive because their truth is different. So we need to be ready to face that - which can be an incredibly scary thing. Look at some of the people in the past who have spoken their truth and faced huge challenges because of it: Gandhi, Jesus, Martin Luther King, even Hitler. I know that some may gasp and react strongly to that last name - that aside all these people acted from a place of truth as they saw it.

However, we must also understand that our truth flows from the authentic self. The Soul (or Higher Self) which is a being of the purest, and most unconditional love imaginable, cannot act in such a way as to harm others. It's not possible. So there are two "truths", if you will. One that flows from the Authentic Self (the Soul), and one that flows from the Ego. The truths from the Ego actually have their seeds and origination in the truth from the Soul, however the Ego distorts these truths in subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) ways. The truth, as I see it, is that there is actually nothing wrong with working towards being as pure and loving as we possibly can be. It is when that turns into anger, resentment, violence, and hatred that we have deviated from Soul truth to Ego truth. It is when we try to force others to accept our truth (as Hitler did) that we have deviated from a place of unconditional love and acceptance, to a place of Fear.

Now remember, this is the truth as I see it. It may not be your truth. And that's OK. There is room enough in the world for us all to speak and live our Soul Truth. Ultimately, the more connected we become to our unconditionally loving Soul, the more our truths will blend together in harmony. The more we connect with our Ego Self, the more our truths will be in conflict. The more we act from the truth of our authentic, Soul Self, the more our actions will uplift us and the world around us.

As a spiritual coach, people come to me to help them with their lives. They come to me to help them dissolve blocks and fears that are holding them back. Of course I am as supportive as I can be and nothing gives me more pleasure than seeing someone moving forward and enjoying life. There are times when I notice that the person may be avoiding dealing with, or actually seeing something in their lives because of some kind of fear they have. The question is do I tell them what I can see and risk them being upset or angry, or do I not say anything and let them think it's all OK. For me, the former is where I like to think I act from. That is why people return to me: because they know I will not just flatter them and instead will help them to see things from a clear and deep level.

When we speak our truth it doesn't need to be cutting, angry, or rude. It doesn't need to put others down. Truth is not about "right" and "wrong" it is about acting from a place of authenticity of who we really are (extensions of Source energy - i.e. Souls having a physical experience). When we choose to connect with the authenticity and purity of our Being, we cannot harm or hurt anyone else. It's not possible.

Acting and speaking our truth, as I said above, takes courage. Courage to stand in our light, power, and truth knowing that there are others who will disagree and possibly even hate us for it. But the payoff is knowing that we are acting from a place of pure, unconditional love, and that we are being true to ourselves and our values. Further, understanding that speaking our truth is not making others wrong or putting them down. It is about being honest about who we are and where we are, and loving and honouring ourselves as much as we honour and love others.

Intention is the key here: the intention to speak our truth, and act from a place of mutual respect and pure, unconditional love. When truth comes from this place of unconditional love it may sometimes be painful at first, but it brings with it healing and insight. By acting in this way, we give permission to others to do the same, and find that others treat us with the same, loving respect.

The greatest good you can do for another is not just to share your riches but to reveal to him his own. Benjamin Disraeli

For me, one of the most wonderful feelings I can have at times is knowing that I’ve helped someone with a problem or situation they’re dealing with. It is my belief that we’re all here to help and support each other. However it is also my belief that we’re here to help and support ourselves too! Living a life of service to others is all very well, and commendable, however it’s no good if we’re not paying attention to ourselves and our own needs as well.

It can be very easy to get so drawn into helping others that we neglect our own needs and our own development. Sometimes this is down to avoidance of dealing with our own stuff so, by helping others with their issues, we can pop them under the carpet. Of course, life doesn’t work that way and at some point the carpet will be pulled back to reveal all the things we’ve shoved under it… usually because it’s so packed with things that we trip over it!

We can also become addicted to the feelings we get from helping others which helps us feel good about ourselves. This addiction can give us a sense of validation in terms of who we are and the contribution we make in life. The downside of course is that when we do something for someone who doesn’t necessarily thank us or acknowledge what we do, we can become very down, angry, and depressed. The tendency then can be either to get really angry with the person for not acknowledging what we’ve done or to withdraw from helping others completely and become resentful. Neither of which are helpful responses.

One question we can ask ourselves before jumping in to help someone else is “have they actually asked me for help?”. Actually, there are a couple more questions too:

• Do they look as if they need help?
• Do they look like they’re open to receiving help?
• Am I helping them because I genuinely want to help or because it will make me feel good?

Let’s look at this “helping business” from another point of view. If we continually rush in to help others who appeartruggling we may actually not be helping them in the long run. For example, if a parent continually ties the child’s shoe laces because the child struggles to do it him/herself is that really helpful in the long run? I think one of the hardest things, but sometimes most helpful, we that can do at times is to lovingly stand back and allow the person we want to help to ask for it if he/she needs or wants it. “Oh yes,” I hear you say, “but what if he/she doesn’t have the confidence to ask for help or doesn’t like to feel like they’re imposing?”. Well here’s a bit of tough love… is that your issue or theirs?

In life we need to understand that there are times when we do need help and we must learn to let go of feelings of pride and/or inadequacy and actually ask for it. However, there are also times when it’s more helpful to try working things through for ourselves first. Otherwise how will we learn, grow, and develop? If we don’t develop ourselves we can become too reliant upon others to solve things and do things for us. The problem here, of course, is that a) we cannot always count on them being around when we need them and b) we can become so needy that it pushes people away from us. I’m sure you’ve been there with someone you know who has become so needy that you start to avoid them. Not comfortable for us or the person who’s being needy (and vice versa if we’re the ones being needy!).

When I think about this, I’m reminded of the “good Samaritan” who sees an old lady waiting by the curb of a road looking left and right, so he rushes to help her and practically forces her across the road. It’s only when he gets to the other side that she gets the chance to tell him she was waiting for a friend and didn’t need to cross the road at all!

I remember when I first started coaching people (scares me to think it was around 18 years ago!) I would quickly see what the potential solution could be for them and offer it up without giving them much opportunity to at least try to come up with options themselves. At times this was great as they went away happy knowing what they’d do next. Unfortunately, of course, none of us can ever really know what is best for someone else, especially when making life decisions, because we’re all different. Some clients became over-reliant on me finding solutions to their problems with the occasional blame because things didn’t turn out well when they’d tried what I suggested. I quickly learned to help them with options and decide for themselves what they would do. I still offer options but usually only when the person is struggling or if they ask me to, and then it’s only to get the ball rolling for them to consider other things they could do.

I know that my big sister won’t mind my saying that she has struggled with this at times with her three children. She hates to see them struggling or doing things that will bring them pain (both physical and emotional). But she knows, like most parents, you cannot stop your children from making mistakes, nor live their lives for them. How else will those we love be able to grow and evolve? By constantly rushing in to help we can actually cause more harm than good.

I’m not saying never help anyone else, just think first about whether it’s the most beneficial thing for you and them. Perhaps asking if they need help first before just rushing in is a more helpful approach?

Stopping briefly to ask ourselves those questions I mentioned above before rushing in to help others can be more beneficial to yourself and the person you want to help. For ease, here they are again:

• Do they look as if they need help?
• Have they actually asked me for help?
• Do they look like they’re open to receiving help?
• Am I helping them because I genuinely want to help or because it will make me feel good?

Let me add a final question to that list: “Is helping them actually the best thing for me to do right now?”

I know this is a bit of a long one this week, but there are so many elements to it that I wanted to touch on. To conclude, gauge the situation before rushing in to help and decide whether to offer it, or lovingly stand back and wait. Whichever you decide, make sure you do it from a place of centredness and not from ego.

Think of a time when you met someone you really like and admire. It could be recently, it could be some time ago, but think back to that meeting. Think about how you were feeling when you spoke to that person. Picture it in your head if you can. What did they say that made you feel good? What did they do that made you feel good? It might just be that you enjoy being in their company and feel comfortable, safe, happy, and peaceful while they’re near you.

It’s wonderful to feel like that because of being around someone else isn’t it. But here’s the thing…. All the other person is really doing, is reflecting back to you that comforting, beautiful light that you have yourself. What we look for in others is what we actually see in ourselves, whether or not we realise that. That’s why we sometimes get cross with someone – because we experience them doing something that, deep down, we can sometimes see in ourselves.

What we look for in others is mostly an unconscious thing. Unless we actively choose to live in the Now (i.e. in the present moment) we float through life automatically looking for things in others that we see in ourselves. Like attracts like. The more we see the good things in others, the more they reflect back to us the good things we see in ourselves. Ultimately, meaning we focus more on the good things and magnify them, shrinking and dissolving the “bad” things so they no longer exist.

There really are no such things as “bad” things – although I know there are some who will read this and completely disagree. Fear isn’t a bad thing – it’s just very unhelpful. Everything we do has different outcomes. Some are helpful, others are unhelpful – that doesn’t make them bad – just different. The more we love ourselves and shine our light, the more we dissolve the fears within us and our lives. Standing in our own power and light we see that reflected in those we meet for, remember, we are ALL a part of the same thing. Therefore, the beautiful Light and warmth you see in others, is also in you!

It’s worth making a note of the things you notice in other people that you admire and that make you feel good. The more you notice them in others, the more you can notice them in yourself. Especially when you remind yourself “The people I meet mirror the beautiful Light within me – and so that is all I will look for”.

Hello and welcome to my blog.

In the blog it's my intention to share thoughts, tips, and channelled guidance to help all who read it. Whether it help in some small way, or larger way it doesn't matter, just that people gain something from it.

So, have a read, enjoy, and do leave feedback or comments too.

Blessings
Alun Illumine