“Sometimes the best help we can give someone, is to give them space to learn something on their own.” Alun Illumine

One of the main reasons I do the work I do as a coach is because I love helping people to grow and shine their light even brighter. I get such an amazing feeling of joy when I see someone I’ve been working with really taking off and achieving the things they want. It’s a real buzz for me!

One thing I have learned over the years of doing this work, however, is that I can’t do it all for them. Even now it can still be a little bit upsetting for me when I see people struggle with the same thing over and over again, and yet they refuse to do things that they know will help them feel better. What has gone for me is the need to try and do things for them or to keep telling them what to do to make life more comfortable.

Helping others is one thing, and a great thing to do. Helping them so much that they do not learn what they need to learn, and so become reliant upon you, is actually a hindrance.

Take this scenario. As a baby grows into a child, then a teenage, and then, ultimately, into an adult, would you expect a mother to continue to feed, change, and clothe her son or daughter when he/she is the adult? I think one of the toughest things any parent learns to do is step back and let his or her son/daughter begin to learn things for him/herself. The itch to just take the problem away and “make it all right” can be almost unbearable. This doesn’t just occur for parents and children, but also partners, friends, and other people we meet. Inbuilt in us is empathy and compassion in order to help those around us. After all – how many people are there really who enjoy watching those around them suffer. Few I think. And those that do are in need of help themselves. However that’s another ‘thought’ for another time.

Here’s the thing, though, with helping others. If we step in too much we run the risk of causing them to rely upon us too much, such that they cannot deal with anything alone. Either that or they end up not wanting to because they know they can just come back to us knowing we’ll do it for them. Not only can that be frustrating and time-consuming for us, but it is not helping them to stand on their own two feet and learn the things they set out to learn in this physical experience. We’re hindering them and ourselves. We spend so much time sorting out their lives that we do not have time to sort out our own.

This is not to say we cannot or should not help. Indeed not. It is about learning discernment and when to step back to allow others to learn something for themselves. We can still be there if things don’t work out the way they expected. We can also still be there to celebrate with them when they turn out better than expected! Rushing in to do things for others without allowing them the opportunity to try them for themselves is not just disempowering them, it’s also disrespecting their free-will. Imagine how you’d feel if every time you wanted to do something, somebody just jumped in and did it for you “just to make life easier for you”. It could get pretty frustrating and annoying after a while!

Learning to sit on our hands and not interfere is one of the lessons we all need to learn at some point. We need to understand that, sometimes, the best help we can give others is encouragement, believe in their ability to do whatever needs doing, and learn from their experiences.

Next time you’re about to help someone ask yourself “am I helping, or hindering them?”… and then do what feels right.